When there is a lot to panic about

Friday.  Job shortage, husband is laid off.  He's worked one out of the last 5 weeks because of injury and illness.  It's hard to pay bills without an income.  I haven't worked in 7 years, not really.  No career, no degree, and I've made this bed for myself.  I've had odd and end jobs and I'd fit right in at Walmart, I'm sure, but I wasn't called to work; I wasn't made for retail.  I'm struggling to stay cheerful; I'm struggling not to go to my defensive corner that everyone around me would call "anger."  I'm supposed to be homeschooling my 7 year old.  I'm supposed to have it together enough to walk barefoot through the house without crumbs clinging to me like sand at the playground.  Should I sleep on the floor tonight to try to ease the pain in my lower back?  Do I apply at Starbucks and hope for the best, even though the best isn't going to 'a happy house' make?  And life right now feels exactly like this paragraph - I don't quite know where to fit a break in it. 

Sip. Tea. Repeat.  (It's cold; of course it's gotten cold but it's something.) 

I know - I see just exactly how I've made an idol of work, of my husband having a job, of his ability to provide an income and benefits and I had repented.  I thought it was enough, I thought God was pleased that I had, that my heart was leaning in and His heart bending low to me, and this was all before the news on Friday.  Now I'm leaning in harder, I'm singing louder, but he has a plan and it isn't for me to work for salvation or for provision. 

Joel 2 12-14 in the Amplified version says 

Therefore also now, says the Lord, turn and keep on coming to Me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning [until every hindrance is removed and the broken fellowship is restored].

Rend your hearts and not your garments and return to the Lord, your God, for He is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in loving-kindness; and He revokes His sentence of evil [when His conditions are met].

Who knows but what He will turn, revoke your sentence [of evil], and leave a blessing behind Him [giving you the means with which to serve Him], even a cereal or meal offering and a drink offering for the Lord, your God?

<sup>And this morning as I sat doing nothing important, I heard a drip, drip, drip and found that somehow the snow was melting through the roof right onto the furnace; the mechanical, the electrical beast in the house I don't understand, and my husband said don't worry, but I see water damage on the ceiling and I think this was the last straw, the very last straw.  Then I tell myself everyone is healthy, and I've heard too many stories of doctors saying "Who knows?" that help remind me to stop being so dramatic.  All the same, the situation feels amplified.  It IS amplified.  I know it's only been 5 days since he was laid off, but there is no income and there is no promise of a paycheck in the near future, so I don't know what to do.   

Sip.  Tea.  Repeat.  

I'm going to borrow an anger management technique and count to three.  I need to count, really count, three blessings, and give an offering of thanksgiving to Him who is able.  Ephesians 3:20

1.  I am so thankful to be encouraged to write.  I feel it in my heart, and I've been encouraged through friends.  Even if this is a cathartic form of therapy meant for me alone, I need it and it feels good to do it again.

2. I've been in similar situations before.  Once, my husband was told to lay on his back on a hard surface for 6 weeks to recover from a herniated disk.  I was angry, I was stressed, I was harried and hassled.  It was awful.  The fact that I am not in the same panic mode, the feral wild eyed fear I felt then is proof that Christ in me the hope of Glory (Colossians 1:27,) is at work and doing a good thing.  I am thankful for fruit.  

3. The Bible is true and God is trustworthy, therefore I can pray Philippians 4:19, that God will richly supply all my needs according to his own riches that are in Christ Jesus.  

One more thing I've been thinking about: Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God...

Be. Still.  Know.   

Oh, how to be still?</sup>